Do you ever get tired?
I do.
I get tired of watching day time tv and they're showing $3000 Silver Metallic Fendi clutches to desperate housewives everywhere, knowing that they can't afford them, why do they show them? Why?
I get tired of fighting with my boyfriend over stupid things. I get so tired of trying so hard to be happy in a relationship. I get tired of being strong. I cried today too much. I hate crying, I want to be strong all the time, I want to make him happy, but I want him to respect me more.
He says the only way to respect me is if I make more money. What is that supposed to mean? We're supposed to be in love.
?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Cellulite Doesn't Sell
I was gossiping about a girl the other day. She's grossly overweight, has an ugly attitude about life, and really not the most fun person to be with. She's a mooch who will call you, inviting you to go shopping, or to an "event" (her little bro's hockey game), only to realise that the only reason she "invited" you is because she didn't have a ride.
She complain about everything. Absolutely everything. Money issues, weight issues, family problems, and I offer help in all her problems, truthfully because I really don't want to hear about them. With money, the obvious "get a full time job" routine doesn't work with her, she'd like to run her own business. I know women who are in the business she'd like to be in but she doesn't want their help (and frankly she doesn't know the first thing about running that sort of business, but she doesn't want help obviously).
With weight it seems pretty simple, but the new bag of chips I find in her mother's rental everyday really doesn't jive with the "I'm trying to lose weight" routine she goes through at work. And family is a whole different story.
This girl is messed up. She's trying so hard to be fabulous and sophisticated, but it really truly won't happen for her until she changes her whole life. I am guilty too. There have been parties I have thrown, and went to, that I didn't invite her to because she's overweight and not a social person.
My one girlfriend, who is skinny, with big fake boobs and long blonde hair, I invite everywhere, she's like the perfect accessory. Big, fat, and obnoxious doesn't work with me. She's crass, she has to swear for no apparent reason at any place, like Starbucks. Starbucks isn't the most sophisticated place, but it does have a substantial amount of intellectuals and emo's that chill there, and her screaming 'FUCK' for absolutely NO reason does not look good.
I probably wouldn't even get into a club with her by my side. I would probably wait in line for 20 minutes and then have to pay cover. Which is complete bullshit.
I feel bad sometimes. I think I'm shallow. But if she were a friendlier person, there wouldn't be as much of a problem, I think.
So, do I have a problem?
Seriously. It's vain, superficial, shallow, blah, blah, blah. I just don't think I care about that PC bullshit at this point. Sometimes it's better to be like Janice Dickinson, stop lying to ourselves and admit that cellulite DOESN'T sell, nor should it be on a runway or in D&G print ads.
Next point, I need to lose some weight.
She complain about everything. Absolutely everything. Money issues, weight issues, family problems, and I offer help in all her problems, truthfully because I really don't want to hear about them. With money, the obvious "get a full time job" routine doesn't work with her, she'd like to run her own business. I know women who are in the business she'd like to be in but she doesn't want their help (and frankly she doesn't know the first thing about running that sort of business, but she doesn't want help obviously).
With weight it seems pretty simple, but the new bag of chips I find in her mother's rental everyday really doesn't jive with the "I'm trying to lose weight" routine she goes through at work. And family is a whole different story.
This girl is messed up. She's trying so hard to be fabulous and sophisticated, but it really truly won't happen for her until she changes her whole life. I am guilty too. There have been parties I have thrown, and went to, that I didn't invite her to because she's overweight and not a social person.
My one girlfriend, who is skinny, with big fake boobs and long blonde hair, I invite everywhere, she's like the perfect accessory. Big, fat, and obnoxious doesn't work with me. She's crass, she has to swear for no apparent reason at any place, like Starbucks. Starbucks isn't the most sophisticated place, but it does have a substantial amount of intellectuals and emo's that chill there, and her screaming 'FUCK' for absolutely NO reason does not look good.
I probably wouldn't even get into a club with her by my side. I would probably wait in line for 20 minutes and then have to pay cover. Which is complete bullshit.
I feel bad sometimes. I think I'm shallow. But if she were a friendlier person, there wouldn't be as much of a problem, I think.
So, do I have a problem?
Seriously. It's vain, superficial, shallow, blah, blah, blah. I just don't think I care about that PC bullshit at this point. Sometimes it's better to be like Janice Dickinson, stop lying to ourselves and admit that cellulite DOESN'T sell, nor should it be on a runway or in D&G print ads.
Next point, I need to lose some weight.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The Words Lost Inside My Head
Morning, Morning, soon it will be afternoon, but so far it is still morning in my books. Working hard "for the man" (I hate that saying), not too hard obviously as I have time to write this, and yet it seems like a well deserved break.
Lately I've been thinking a lot. These thoughts are in my head all the time, when I'm alone, when I'm with others, it doesn't matter, there's just a million little thoughts running through my head. I was tanning and thinking. I was eating pizza last night and thinking. Thinking so much that I don't even hear people talking to me. Everyone thinks I've gone deaf or something, not quite, just that my thoughts are louder than your voices.
I'm supposed to make labels soon. I Hate Labels. They're so tedious and boring, and today it is also very very cold in the office. Outside it will be -20 with the windchill. Two days from now it is supposed to be +18. Does this make any sense at all? I'm waiting for the warm weather to hit but this is ridiculous.
Back to thinking. Everytime someone tells me their thoughts, I start thinking. I will think and think, but I won't say anything outloud for some reason. I just think thoughts, and when they ask what I'm thinking I give out a short "Nothing." and carry on. I don't know why I'm doing this. It is ultimately the weirdest thing about me lately.
The other morning I was doing some work at home and contemplating on cleaning the house. I could actually see myself sweeping up dust, thinking about how to clean the toothpaste off of the sink, and how I should organize the closet. I thought for quite a while about how to clean, and then I noticed the time, dusted my bed quickly, and went off to work.
It just makes no sense! I feel lost in my thoughts. Surrounded by them, not entirely drowning in them, but definitely swimming in a packed pool.
I miss Mexico. When I first got there my head was full of thoughts as well. Worried, excited, and eventually there was nothing. No thoughts. Just the ocean, the sand, my boyfriend, walking hand in hand. It was beautiful and amazing, the sky was so blue, the water was warm. But as the week was ending the thoughts came back. Thoughts of my daughter, thoughts of leaving paradise. Ugh.
Lately I've been thinking about a tattoo I want. I've envisioned lying there getting it, thinking about how long it will take (about 3 hours most likely), how much it will hurt (a lot, but hopefully it goes numb after a while), and how it will look, what my friends will think when I lose the weight and I'm on the beach in a bikini with a cool tattoo on my back. I think about telling the tattoo artist exactly what I want, watching his draw it, consider his art, and then agree to it.
I'm going to waste my life thinking about doing things and never actually do them.
And that makes me sad.
Lately I've been thinking a lot. These thoughts are in my head all the time, when I'm alone, when I'm with others, it doesn't matter, there's just a million little thoughts running through my head. I was tanning and thinking. I was eating pizza last night and thinking. Thinking so much that I don't even hear people talking to me. Everyone thinks I've gone deaf or something, not quite, just that my thoughts are louder than your voices.
I'm supposed to make labels soon. I Hate Labels. They're so tedious and boring, and today it is also very very cold in the office. Outside it will be -20 with the windchill. Two days from now it is supposed to be +18. Does this make any sense at all? I'm waiting for the warm weather to hit but this is ridiculous.
Back to thinking. Everytime someone tells me their thoughts, I start thinking. I will think and think, but I won't say anything outloud for some reason. I just think thoughts, and when they ask what I'm thinking I give out a short "Nothing." and carry on. I don't know why I'm doing this. It is ultimately the weirdest thing about me lately.
The other morning I was doing some work at home and contemplating on cleaning the house. I could actually see myself sweeping up dust, thinking about how to clean the toothpaste off of the sink, and how I should organize the closet. I thought for quite a while about how to clean, and then I noticed the time, dusted my bed quickly, and went off to work.
It just makes no sense! I feel lost in my thoughts. Surrounded by them, not entirely drowning in them, but definitely swimming in a packed pool.
I miss Mexico. When I first got there my head was full of thoughts as well. Worried, excited, and eventually there was nothing. No thoughts. Just the ocean, the sand, my boyfriend, walking hand in hand. It was beautiful and amazing, the sky was so blue, the water was warm. But as the week was ending the thoughts came back. Thoughts of my daughter, thoughts of leaving paradise. Ugh.
Lately I've been thinking about a tattoo I want. I've envisioned lying there getting it, thinking about how long it will take (about 3 hours most likely), how much it will hurt (a lot, but hopefully it goes numb after a while), and how it will look, what my friends will think when I lose the weight and I'm on the beach in a bikini with a cool tattoo on my back. I think about telling the tattoo artist exactly what I want, watching his draw it, consider his art, and then agree to it.
I'm going to waste my life thinking about doing things and never actually do them.
And that makes me sad.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Adulthood of my Dreams
Hello.
When you are young, most people assume that when you become an adult you have the automatic right to go out and party every Saturday night. I actually envisioned my adult self to be quite social, doing the Thurs thru Mon circuit when necessary. Of course, Mondays were lounge days, and every other night being cocktails and dancing at the club du jour. I had imagined that at this point in my life I would own at least one pair of designer shoes (Manolos, Choos, even Loubuotins - I wasn't picky) and I would also be quite fashionable.
Real life? Not quite so.
Tonight, Saturday night, is not really what I'd say is the ideal Saturday night. It is so far from ideal, it makes me sick, as do the chocolate covered pretzels I've been devouring all day are doing to my stomach.
I'm doing LAUNDRY. The most detestable thing to do on a Saturday night. I'm CLEANING. Again, not quite what I had imagined (I also had a housekeeper to do menial tasks, in my dreams). And, I'm WORKING. Stuffing envelopes, sending emails, you know, regular work stuff. My job had also seemed glamourous, again, not quite so.
Not making money means no cool clothes or cool car for cool clients which again don't exist. I have clients who are poor. Ugh, not that this is a bad thing, a client is a client of course. But then again, they never BUY anything!!! Does this mean they're "clients" or "customers who waste my time"? I cling on to them in the hopes that they will finally close a deal and make me SOME money so my boyfriend can stop complaining and I can start purchasing things on my OWN money.
Well, finances and dire style aside, my boyfriend is out tonight. With his friends. Staying over in the city. Ugh. It drives me crazy. It's not that I don't trust him, that's not the issue. I think I'm jealous that it's not me out there. That even if we both gained weight, he still looks good in his clothes and I'm too chubby to look hot at a club anyway. He has tons of friends here who he can go out with, trying to get together with my girlfriends is like a freaking catastrophe waiting to happen, except you keep waiting and it never does! One cancels, another cancels. It gets to the point that I don't even want to invest my time in trying to make plans because I know they won't happen.
Ugh. Home. Alone.
Have a happy St. Patricks Day!
When you are young, most people assume that when you become an adult you have the automatic right to go out and party every Saturday night. I actually envisioned my adult self to be quite social, doing the Thurs thru Mon circuit when necessary. Of course, Mondays were lounge days, and every other night being cocktails and dancing at the club du jour. I had imagined that at this point in my life I would own at least one pair of designer shoes (Manolos, Choos, even Loubuotins - I wasn't picky) and I would also be quite fashionable.
Real life? Not quite so.
Tonight, Saturday night, is not really what I'd say is the ideal Saturday night. It is so far from ideal, it makes me sick, as do the chocolate covered pretzels I've been devouring all day are doing to my stomach.
I'm doing LAUNDRY. The most detestable thing to do on a Saturday night. I'm CLEANING. Again, not quite what I had imagined (I also had a housekeeper to do menial tasks, in my dreams). And, I'm WORKING. Stuffing envelopes, sending emails, you know, regular work stuff. My job had also seemed glamourous, again, not quite so.
Not making money means no cool clothes or cool car for cool clients which again don't exist. I have clients who are poor. Ugh, not that this is a bad thing, a client is a client of course. But then again, they never BUY anything!!! Does this mean they're "clients" or "customers who waste my time"? I cling on to them in the hopes that they will finally close a deal and make me SOME money so my boyfriend can stop complaining and I can start purchasing things on my OWN money.
Well, finances and dire style aside, my boyfriend is out tonight. With his friends. Staying over in the city. Ugh. It drives me crazy. It's not that I don't trust him, that's not the issue. I think I'm jealous that it's not me out there. That even if we both gained weight, he still looks good in his clothes and I'm too chubby to look hot at a club anyway. He has tons of friends here who he can go out with, trying to get together with my girlfriends is like a freaking catastrophe waiting to happen, except you keep waiting and it never does! One cancels, another cancels. It gets to the point that I don't even want to invest my time in trying to make plans because I know they won't happen.
Ugh. Home. Alone.
Have a happy St. Patricks Day!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Friday
Friday, Friday, Friday! Yippee. Woo-hoo.
Right. Now that that's over with, let me get back to my Grande Half-Caf and write out my "To Do" list for tonight. When I get home.
TO DO:
- Laundry. Piles and piles.
- Make dinner. Chinese place on cell phone.
- Clean bathroom, living room, kitchen. (Only to have it messed up two seconds later)
- Watch the rest of 'The Holiday'. (I was too tired to watch it all last night)
- Go to sleep.
Hmm, that seems highly NOT-doable. Especially now after I sit here embarassed that a girl from the office downstairs came upstairs to find out "what that annoying tapping noise was from above". I've been here 2 weeks. "I've heard it for the past couple of weeks now." Oh, wait, I've only been here a couple of days. Maybe it's the printer from next door? "Oh, maybe, God, I've been going crazy!" Yeah... So now I'm paranoid to make a tapping noise with my oversized heels while I sit here at my desk, and I'm also paranoid NOT to make this noise since if I completely stop making it she will KNOW that it was me.
Is this what they meant by Office Politics?
Or the fact that I'm avoiding one of the accountants because I have an outstanding balance on my account that I haven't paid for 3 months? Hmm, I wonder.
Good coffee. Good coffee.
Weekend TO DO:
- Finish laundry.
- Clean house. (Good this time!)
- Learn to cook something!
I think that'll be good?
I live in the suburbs. Like MAJOR suburbs. On Sundays there is only ONE, wait two, stores open past 6pm. I'm serious. When I first moved here we needed something in our home and I drove 30 minutes to Walmart to get it. I cursed this town then, I don't curse it as much now. I long for excitement though. I love the hype the big city gets (lets call it M). M is my favourite, I used to live closer to it and would go there once in a while with girlfriends and then after, boyfriends. There's just so much to do! Tons of restaurants, clubs, theatres. Here we have freaking Pizza Hut who can't get an order right. It's so existentially BRUTAL.
When you're little and you dream one day of having a jetset life, like all the stars, Nicole, Paris, The Hills girls, and you end up almost married with child in a small hick town, well, you can't really say your life has been fulfilled (I'm young though, I can still make it, right?).
And when your new career choice is not taking off anywhere quickly it really doesn't help get me any closer to that dream. Hopefully soon. Soon soon soon.
Til then. Enjoy your friday.
Right. Now that that's over with, let me get back to my Grande Half-Caf and write out my "To Do" list for tonight. When I get home.
TO DO:
- Laundry. Piles and piles.
- Make dinner. Chinese place on cell phone.
- Clean bathroom, living room, kitchen. (Only to have it messed up two seconds later)
- Watch the rest of 'The Holiday'. (I was too tired to watch it all last night)
- Go to sleep.
Hmm, that seems highly NOT-doable. Especially now after I sit here embarassed that a girl from the office downstairs came upstairs to find out "what that annoying tapping noise was from above". I've been here 2 weeks. "I've heard it for the past couple of weeks now." Oh, wait, I've only been here a couple of days. Maybe it's the printer from next door? "Oh, maybe, God, I've been going crazy!" Yeah... So now I'm paranoid to make a tapping noise with my oversized heels while I sit here at my desk, and I'm also paranoid NOT to make this noise since if I completely stop making it she will KNOW that it was me.
Is this what they meant by Office Politics?
Or the fact that I'm avoiding one of the accountants because I have an outstanding balance on my account that I haven't paid for 3 months? Hmm, I wonder.
Good coffee. Good coffee.
Weekend TO DO:
- Finish laundry.
- Clean house. (Good this time!)
- Learn to cook something!
I think that'll be good?
I live in the suburbs. Like MAJOR suburbs. On Sundays there is only ONE, wait two, stores open past 6pm. I'm serious. When I first moved here we needed something in our home and I drove 30 minutes to Walmart to get it. I cursed this town then, I don't curse it as much now. I long for excitement though. I love the hype the big city gets (lets call it M). M is my favourite, I used to live closer to it and would go there once in a while with girlfriends and then after, boyfriends. There's just so much to do! Tons of restaurants, clubs, theatres. Here we have freaking Pizza Hut who can't get an order right. It's so existentially BRUTAL.
When you're little and you dream one day of having a jetset life, like all the stars, Nicole, Paris, The Hills girls, and you end up almost married with child in a small hick town, well, you can't really say your life has been fulfilled (I'm young though, I can still make it, right?).
And when your new career choice is not taking off anywhere quickly it really doesn't help get me any closer to that dream. Hopefully soon. Soon soon soon.
Til then. Enjoy your friday.
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