The Words Lost Inside My Head

Morning, Morning, soon it will be afternoon, but so far it is still morning in my books. Working hard "for the man" (I hate that saying), not too hard obviously as I have time to write this, and yet it seems like a well deserved break.

Lately I've been thinking a lot. These thoughts are in my head all the time, when I'm alone, when I'm with others, it doesn't matter, there's just a million little thoughts running through my head. I was tanning and thinking. I was eating pizza last night and thinking. Thinking so much that I don't even hear people talking to me. Everyone thinks I've gone deaf or something, not quite, just that my thoughts are louder than your voices.

I'm supposed to make labels soon. I Hate Labels. They're so tedious and boring, and today it is also very very cold in the office. Outside it will be -20 with the windchill. Two days from now it is supposed to be +18. Does this make any sense at all? I'm waiting for the warm weather to hit but this is ridiculous.

Back to thinking. Everytime someone tells me their thoughts, I start thinking. I will think and think, but I won't say anything outloud for some reason. I just think thoughts, and when they ask what I'm thinking I give out a short "Nothing." and carry on. I don't know why I'm doing this. It is ultimately the weirdest thing about me lately.

The other morning I was doing some work at home and contemplating on cleaning the house. I could actually see myself sweeping up dust, thinking about how to clean the toothpaste off of the sink, and how I should organize the closet. I thought for quite a while about how to clean, and then I noticed the time, dusted my bed quickly, and went off to work.

It just makes no sense! I feel lost in my thoughts. Surrounded by them, not entirely drowning in them, but definitely swimming in a packed pool.

I miss Mexico. When I first got there my head was full of thoughts as well. Worried, excited, and eventually there was nothing. No thoughts. Just the ocean, the sand, my boyfriend, walking hand in hand. It was beautiful and amazing, the sky was so blue, the water was warm. But as the week was ending the thoughts came back. Thoughts of my daughter, thoughts of leaving paradise. Ugh.

Lately I've been thinking about a tattoo I want. I've envisioned lying there getting it, thinking about how long it will take (about 3 hours most likely), how much it will hurt (a lot, but hopefully it goes numb after a while), and how it will look, what my friends will think when I lose the weight and I'm on the beach in a bikini with a cool tattoo on my back. I think about telling the tattoo artist exactly what I want, watching his draw it, consider his art, and then agree to it.

I'm going to waste my life thinking about doing things and never actually do them.

And that makes me sad.